I have come to the conclusion that I want to do to much in a small amount of time. Well… maybe that is a bad way to put it. I want to bake the cake from scratch, frost it and then eat it. If you only have an hour it is not possible to do all three things. Two of the three maybe, but not all three.
I can not seem to keep focused on any one task right now. I have so many things started and no real desire to finish them. My paintings are already done; in my mind they are done. But I cannot do an art exhibit with the images in my head. We do not have the technology for that yet. Some of the things I need to do require me sitting still and thinking about them. I really don’t want to think about anything right now. I want to turn into a vegetable and hide in the ground ( a carrot, beet or some other root veg.)
There is just to much going on in my head. I have tried all sorts of things to get the things organized, but to no avail (woo, spelt that right on the first try!) I was hoping that posting my “to do” list here would help me keep on task, but it has not really helped. I still have not gone through my PAX2013 photos, I have not finished my mini monochrome painting. In fact I just started two more paintings! I have not worked on my WP Theme at all, and I have lost most of my drive to work on the stuff I need to do for my internship. Oh, and I am moving.
I am usually pretty good about doing the stuff that HAS to be done. One can push through being uninspired or even work when physically and/or mentally tired. But when you are lost in your “to do” list, you just get lost. Where is the way out? It’s almost impossible for me to pick a task and work on it. As soon as I do something with another task rears its head and I end up running to put out that little fire. Then I forget where I was and have to spend all that time finding my place and train of thought to work on the original task.
I am pretty sure part of my problem right now is the moving thing. Packing and setting up a new house is time consuming and takes a lot of mental and physical work. Plus it is a change in my lifestyle and mental state. A lot of my future activities hing on this move. I keep getting into a thought circle of future plans, lots of what-ifs and things that need to be done, that I cannot do anything about until a future date. Thinking is starting to be a problem… darn it, I like thinking.
Why didn’t I get my degree in graphics? Oh yeah, it’s easy for me. Coding and web design is hard. One hour of coding takes more mental energy from me than I spend doing 12 hours of graphic design, and I have more to show from the graphic design. If I ever have the motivation to work on anything, I am sure I could do wonders. Practice will improve my skills, but I am not really in love with any ideas or concepts right now. That lack of love is making it hard to be interested in and work on things, especially things that will help me with my chosen career.
Is my day job part of the problem? Totally! I am so tired of my dead end job. I keep thinking that I should find a new job, or change departments. As comfy as I am, I am bored out of my gourd. I get super complacent (really, really, really lazy) and I still can not seem to do anything bad or wrong. The job is either to easy or I am just that good. Probably both. Either way, I need to move on really soon. Maybe after I move.
SEE!! That stupid move has me stuck! Always, after this, after that. There is never going to be an after, just like tomorrow never really comes. Tomorrow turns into today, after turns into now. Argh…
I think I am done for tonight.
I am going to finish my painting inspired by the belly dancers I saw tonight. The red one will be done tonight, but the blue one is going to take a day or two. There is more detail on it.