I have been having a pretty high mood lately (I have been happy and energetic.) I suppose that there is no surprise that it should end. Now, pretty suddenly, I find my self a bit melancholy. I suppose it is better than being blah.
I do not really like being “generally sad.” At least I am still feeling things. Nothing is worse than the “blah’s.” I cannot create anything with those. I spent quite a bit of energy avoiding blah. I would rather be really happy or really depressed. Bother are great motivators to paint and write. The blah’s are just a field of monochrome flat mid-tone gray. Nothing to see, hear or feel. Vast expanses of blah.
When I am melancholy and even depressed I am thinking. I think about dark gray and even black things. Things I do not like about myself, things I dislike about others, the scary things that keep others up at night. I paint the ocean at night. The ocean is a very versatile object to paint. At night it can show depression or melancholy. In the day it can show joy and happiness. At dawn there is hope and at twilight there is dread.
Why am I melancholy? Lots of small things under one other thing that did not work out well. Think of it like the straw that broke the camels back. I was happy and able to deal with all the little things that did not work out right. After a while one thing that I think is important does not work well and POOF! melancholy. The same reasons that anyone would get there, really.
While I am here, in Melancholy town, I think I will work on some paintings. I was working on one that was under a grey sky (it is about to rain in the painting, I think.) I might just finish that. I might also start on an ocean scene. those are pretty relaxing and lots of people
like them, so it should be easy to “unload.”
While I am painting my dim and dark paintings I will probably think some dim and dark thoughts. It is a familiar place, this emotion of melancholy. I spent a good portion of my young adult life here. More than some 18-22 year olds and less than others, maybe it was “average.” I do not know. I do know that I know the roads that lead out quite well. I may just tarry until I can create something and leave. I may hang out for a while and just feel sorry for myself. Maybe I can get a really dark painting or drawing out of it.
I know many people that get depressed when their happy side fails to get them attention. Not so for me. There is rarely “attention” seeking when melancholy strikes. It is just a state of mind where I am not really happy. It is really pretty low key and sometimes relaxing. It may be just what I need before the holiday’s strike in full force, a nice break from extremely tiring emotions.
It is also a time when I can be overly real (is that possible?) with myself. I can look at myself, my flaws, my gems (good points) and I can look at things around me without worrying that they are going to bring my mood down. I am already down, not much further to go! The view is different in Melancholy town. It is not bad, just different. The difference allows me to see some of the things that I take for granted and some of the things that I would normally ignore or justify (like getting the wrong drink from the barista.) For the next week or so I will be overly honest and a little mean, with everyone (even myself.) In the end it will pass and I will be back to happy.