I have been spending a lot of time feeling frustrated. Doubly so on my “days off” of work. Like most people in “developed” countries, I work for a living, trading forty hours of my one hundred sixty eight weekly hours for money.
168 – 40(work) = 128 hours “free”
128 – 10(travel for work) = 118 hours “free”
118 – 56(sleep) = 62 hours “free”
62-5(work prep) = 57 hours “free”
57-20(art) = 37 hours “free”
37 – 6(chores) = 31 hours “free”
31 hours that are not budgeted. RIIIIGHT.
Honestly, chores take more time than I would like. They take about 12 hours a week. Of course, being that I am the primary income creator I would expect that I would have 1 or 2 hours of chores at the most. In an ideal world.
So I am down to 25 “free” hours. These are scattered through the week, 1 or 2 hours during the week and the rest on the weekend.
What do I do with my “free” time?
I spend it cleaning, painting or trying to escape from my reality.
My spouse is unmotivated. I feel that I have tried pretty much everything to get him to participate in the house hold going ons. I have tried to get him involved in doing anything productive. I have failed.
I have spent a lot of my free 25 hours a week thinking about this. How to “fix” this.
My thinking has turned from “fix” to “detach.” How can I remove myself from this?
Is it my responsibility to take care of everything? Spend my “free” time worrying about my spouse? Spend my “free” time cleaning up after my spouse? I work hard to enjoy my 25 hours of free time.
Today I spent 5 hours cleaning. Another hour recovering from an allergy attack caused by the cleaning. I have surfed the web, worked on two paintings, listened to music. I woke up a bit early so I had some “extra” time today.
There are a lot of things that I am NOT doing. My spouse left a mess on the sofa. I am not cleaning it. My spouse has also neglected several of his other chores. I am not doing them either. Much of my spouses stuff that was in the living room has been moved to our “guest room.” I am not moving it further.
I take pride in what the atmosphere of my home is… or I used to. There is a certain respect you can pay a visitor by having a clean, comfortable and safe looking home. I no longer have one of those homes. The place has turned into a storage house for my spouses things. I feel like one of those things sometimes.
Maybe not a thing. More like Cinderella. Bring home money so we can keep the house, clean the house, make more money. You are not doing enough. Pay for my scheme. Buy me a new gear. Pay for this, buy that.
I have nothing left to give except resentment. I have that in heaps. Black, sticky, sickly, poisonous resentment.
Guilt is anger directed at ourselves – at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others – at what they did or did not do. ~Peter McWilliams