How I Spend my “Time Off”

I have been spending a lot of time feeling frustrated.  Doubly so on my “days off” of work.  Like most people in “developed” countries, I work for a living, trading forty hours of my one hundred sixty eight weekly hours for money.

168 – 40(work) = 128 hours “free”

128 – 10(travel for work) = 118 hours “free”

118 – 56(sleep) = 62 hours “free”

62-5(work prep) = 57 hours “free”

57-20(art) = 37 hours “free”

37 – 6(chores) = 31 hours “free”

31 hours that are not budgeted.  RIIIIGHT.

Honestly, chores take more time than I would like.  They take about 12 hours a week.  Of course, being that I am the primary income creator I would expect that I would have 1 or 2 hours of chores at the most.  In an ideal world.

So I am down to 25 “free” hours.  These are scattered through the week, 1 or 2 hours during the week and the rest on the weekend.

What do I do with my “free” time?

I spend it cleaning, painting or trying to escape from my reality.

My spouse is unmotivated.  I feel that I have tried pretty much everything to get him to participate in the house hold going ons.  I have tried to get him involved in doing anything productive.  I have failed.

I have spent a lot of my free 25 hours a week thinking about this.  How to “fix” this.

My thinking has turned from “fix” to “detach.”  How can I remove myself from this?

Is it my responsibility to take care of everything?  Spend my “free” time worrying about my spouse?  Spend my “free” time cleaning up after my spouse?  I work hard to enjoy my 25 hours of free time.

Today I spent 5 hours cleaning.  Another hour recovering from an allergy attack caused by the cleaning.  I have surfed the web, worked on two paintings, listened to music.  I woke up a bit early so I had some “extra” time today.

There are a lot of things that I am NOT doing. My spouse left a mess on the sofa.  I am not cleaning it.  My spouse has also neglected several of his other chores.  I am not doing them either.  Much of my spouses stuff that was in the living room has been moved to our “guest room.”  I am not moving it further.

I take pride in what the atmosphere of my home is… or I used to. There is a certain respect you can pay a visitor by having a clean, comfortable and safe looking home.  I no longer have one of those homes.  The place has turned into a storage house for my spouses things.  I feel like one of those things sometimes.

Maybe not a thing.  More like Cinderella.  Bring home money so we can keep the house, clean the house, make more money.  You are not doing enough.  Pay for my scheme.  Buy me a new gear.  Pay for this, buy that.

I have nothing left to give except resentment.  I have that in heaps.  Black, sticky, sickly, poisonous resentment.

UniverseInside_thumb

Guilt is anger directed at ourselves – at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others – at what they did or did not do. ~Peter McWilliams

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