A cloud art that I created a few years ago after recovering from a very bad week. Ink wash and Pen and ink lines.

Today I was going to draw something else. Something that was more in my mood. Something NOT motivational. Then I remembered what day it was.

Darn you Motivation Monday. Damn you self imposed standards. Damn you integrity and follow through and all those other traits that are usually good. What if I wanted to be unmotivated for a while? What if I wanted to wallow in self pitty, self reproach, and other self destructive emotions?

Life has been rough for me lately.

Things are not going as smoothly as I would like. It is getting to the point where I am in the same emotional state I was when I left my full time job.

I keep shutting down. My brain just freezes in a cycle of what if’s and how’s. Even writing this down is stressful. It brings to the forefront all the things that have no solution or ending.

The stress is manifesting physically with hives and weight gain. I left a job to get away from these things.

Another layer is that I just cannot seem to sell my art. It feels like people are ignoring me. Actually that happens all the time anyway. People do not see me, listen to me, and often just do not acknowledge me. Usually responses from my art fill the need for acknowledgment. No one seems to want my art. That equates to no one wants me. Now I am in a cycle of what if, how, and why bother…

What if I can’t find a job and we lose our house, phone, or car? How will we get a place to live, new jobs? Why did I think I could sell my art? No one cares. They just walk past. I am invisible and no one cares, why should I care about anything?

20170724_115727This is where I am… Then we have today’s motivational quote. “If you fell down yesterday, stand up today” H. G. Wells. I do not think that I really need to introduce Mr. Wells. He is pretty famous already.

It took me a second to figure out what I wanted to do for this drawing, sketch really. I ended up doing this skateboarder who had fallen and gotten banged up. If I have noticed anything is that boarders will get back up, bruised and bloodied, and keep working on their tricks until they are good at it. They assess their damage and just keep going. Over and over until they can do it.

I will keep trying. I do not see that there is much of a choice.

Use positive and strong phrases to change the mindset an make myself stronger.

We will be okay.

I will get a job.

I will sell art. I am a good artist.

So get back up, and try again… no matter how badly you got damaged.


2 thoughts on “Clouds

  1. You were talking about not selling a lot of art, but you do good stuff. I bet, if you could find the right market, things might be different. Of course, I don’t know a thing about your situation, but I look at a lot of art, in shows, in galleries, in festivals…and your stuff looks good. A lot better than stuff I see with “sold” tags on it.

    • Thank You Chuck! That means a lot. I have been doing the hustle, I have hopes that it will pay off. I also have that voice that says “you will fail.” I will keep going, because who knows what could happen.

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