I have another blog I write, for my art. I usually post things on both sites as the art stuff is a big part of my life. Not today. Today it is just for my WordPress followers.
I am in a great deal of pain tonight. My back injury is creating a lot of pain. I pushed myself this week and worked 6 days straight. I could not find my back brace on Saturday, so I went without. I also did not do my stretches on Saturday. Big mistake on both things.
I woke up a bit sore, but nothing that was impacting my day. My allergies were more of a bother. I could not get my nose to stop running, even after several doses of my nasal spray.
As the day wore on, my back got worse and worse. Now I can’t sleep due to the pain. Even sitting and writing this hurts. Standing hurts, laying hurts, and changing position hurts. I could not do several of my stretches today. Those that I could do were accompanied by agonized deep breathing, whimpers, and many “Fuck”‘s.
I have a constant stream of swearing going on in my head.
Add to this the financial issues that are going on with my household at the moment. Not a great time to be me.
I feel cursed. That I am being punished for trying to do the one thing I have always really wanted to do. I feel alone, unloved, and left out.
I do not feel that I have anyone to help me through the pain. I do not feel that anyone will help get the finances back on track. I do not feel that anyone cares about my endeavors or problems.
I am a bundle of negative feelings and thoughts.
I am jealous of the people who can sell their art. “Oh look at this I just did… blah blah blah.” Five minutes later they edit to the post to say it was sold.
My art is better. I do not understand why their stuff sells and I can’t sell anything.
Is there something wrong with me?
A curse that prevents me from being able to live my dream?
I am angry because I can not seem to make things work out. Everything is against me. I got asked to do the RAW Seattle event. Something positive! …But wait! You have to sell tickets to pay for the booth costs. Well Fuck Me. I can’t sell shit to a dung beetle.
Why even bother trying? Because I am a fucking optimist. That is why. I will get my hopes up and fail. Fuck me. I am a stupid idiot.
I am angry with myself. I fucked up. I gave up a job that paid well, with good benefits. I quit when the house was already financially tight. I should have just sucked it up and kept going.
Thinking that makes me so sad. I am crying.
Doesn’t my welfare matter?
Why do I have to sacrifice my mental and physical well-being to support others.
Why can’t I come first for a fucking change?
Everything I try just gets fucked up. Yet I keep fucking trying. I keep inflicting this shit upon myself.
I am just fucked up.
I do not know what to do to fix anything either. Running does no good. The shit just follows. I ask questions and I get vague answers. I do what I understand. It is hard though, not many people to ask questions of. I do not even know the fucking question.
What the fuck am I doing?
Not going to kill myself. That might be a worry to some of you.
I would never do that. Not because of religion on some other shit. I actually enjoy living. I enjoy creating art and seeing the world. I wish I could live forever and see the end of times. That would be amazing. Just to see everything and have the opportunity to share it with others.
No, I will just live my fucking cursed fucked up life. I will live it alone, unloved and unwanted.