..In Which I swear A LOT

I have another blog I write, for my art.  I usually post things on both sites as the art stuff is a big part of my life.  Not today.  Today it is just for my WordPress followers.

I am in a great deal of pain tonight.  My back injury is creating a lot of pain.  I pushed myself this week and worked 6 days straight.  I could not find my back brace on Saturday, so I went without.  I also did not do my stretches on Saturday.  Big mistake on both things.

I woke up a bit sore, but nothing that was impacting my day.  My allergies were more of a bother.  I could not get my nose to stop running, even after several doses of my nasal spray.

As the day wore on, my back got worse and worse.  Now I can’t sleep due to the pain.  Even sitting and writing this hurts.  Standing hurts, laying hurts, and changing position hurts.  I could not do several of my stretches today.  Those that I could do were accompanied by agonized deep breathing, whimpers, and many “Fuck”‘s.

I have a constant stream of swearing going on in my head.

Add to this the financial issues that are going on with my household at the moment.  Not a great time to be me.

I feel cursed.  That I am being punished for trying to do the one thing I have always really wanted to do.  I feel alone, unloved, and left out.

I do not feel that I have anyone to help me through the pain.  I do not feel that anyone will help get the finances back on track.  I do not feel that anyone cares about my endeavors or problems.

I am a bundle of negative feelings and thoughts.

I am jealous of the people who can sell their art.  “Oh look at this I just did… blah blah blah.” Five minutes later they edit to the post to say it was sold.

Fuck them.

My art is better.  I do not understand why their stuff sells and I can’t sell anything.

Is there something wrong with me?

A curse that prevents me from being able to live my dream?

 

I am angry because I can not seem to make things work out.  Everything is against me.  I got asked to do the RAW Seattle event.  Something positive!  …But wait!  You have to sell tickets to pay for the booth costs.  Well Fuck Me.  I can’t sell shit to a dung beetle.

Why even bother trying?  Because I am a fucking optimist.  That is why.  I will get my hopes up and fail.  Fuck me.  I am a stupid idiot.

I am angry with myself.  I fucked up.  I gave up a job that paid well, with good benefits.  I quit when the house was already financially tight.  I should have just sucked it up and kept going.

Thinking that makes me so sad.  I am crying.

Doesn’t my welfare matter?

Why do I have to sacrifice my mental and physical well-being to support others.

Why can’t I come first for a fucking change?

Everything I try just gets fucked up.  Yet I keep fucking trying.  I keep inflicting this shit upon myself.

I am just fucked up.

I do not know what to do to fix anything either.  Running does no good.  The shit just follows.  I ask questions and I get vague answers.  I do what I understand.  It is hard though, not many people to ask questions of.  I do not even know the fucking question.

What the fuck am I doing?

Not going to kill myself.  That might be a worry to some of you.

I would never do that.  Not because of religion on some other shit.  I actually enjoy living.  I enjoy creating art and seeing the world.  I wish I could live forever and see the end of times.  That would be amazing.  Just to see everything and have the opportunity to share it with others.

No, I will just live my fucking cursed fucked up life.  I will live it alone, unloved and unwanted.

Fuck.

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