Thankful

I was at a loss about what to blog about today.  Then I hit 100 Facebook Page followers.  So I drew a cute little thank you on a “scrap” piece of paper.
 MouseClimbers.jpg100 may not seem like a lot to people.  For the longest time I kept my circles small.  I just hit 150 on my personal page after having the account for eight or so years.  Many are people I worked with, more are people I have met since I started doing art full time.
100 is a landmark.100 people think that art is worth their time. 100 people think I am actually creating something interesting enough for them to spend their time on. 100 people think my art is worth looking at.  Hopefully, given enough time, I can get 100 more people who think my art is worth a few of their precocious seconds.  Maybe they will decide that it is worth a bit of their hard earned money also.
I am actually supposed to be doing nothing this week.  I wanted a week of rest and relaxation after leaving my previous job and rushing to ensure I had everything ready for the Oddmall Event.
I just cannot seem to stop!
In addition to the cute little mice mountaineers, I also started the lines for the next Alice in Wonderland inspired piece.  I will start coloring it in later today.
Check my Instagram for progress shots!
…and Thank You for your support!

Writing Prompt: Hospitality

The Girl was nervous.  Her palms sweaty and she felt a bit ill.  She had already drank the water provided and was fidgeting with the glass.  Anything to keep her hands busy.
The Girl put the glass on the coffee table in the small room, got up from her chair and started to look at the items on the book shelf.  A potted fern, books with words she could not read, a strange mask looking item held her interest for a while.  She was about to touch it when the door to the room opened.
The only word the Girl could think to use for this woman was Matron.  All in dark colors, hair pulled back tight.  Her fingers were long and looked strong and deft.  Hands that would teach her many lessons, some unpleasant she suspected.
Matron gestured for the Girl to follow.
No one had spoken in the time she had been here.  Even the Guardian who dropped her off had said nothing. The Girl cleared her throat and made to speak. The Matron quickly turned her head and glared at her, frowning her disapproval.
Matron walked efficiently down the well worn halls passing many doors.  Up a long flight of stairs that left the Girl breathless and staggering.  She struggled to keep up with Matron.  Matron did not slow her step and continued to walk briskly down the halls, making quick efficient turns.
When they finally stopped it was in front of a door.  The Girl did not recall seeing any signs in the place as they had rushed about.  This door was no different.  The Matron gave the Girl an impatient look and gestured for her to open the door.
The room was as nondescript as the hallways had been, a small chair and a bed.  Hooks on the wall for cloths.  The Girl stepped in, hoping for something different behind the door.  The only thing she got was the sound of the door closing behind her and the lock click into place.

Nervous

Today was my last day with my long time employer.

I chose to leave for many reasons. None of which I feel are appropriate to share (no burning bridges here.)

I am so nervous about my new venture.

It is hard to be an artist.  It probably always has been.  The pessimist in me says I will fail.  I was irrational to leave now.  Plus many additional negative thoughts.

I have received many positive comments and a lot of support from my past co-workers and current friends.  These give me hope that I might make it, even if it is just for a few months (darn pessimism.)

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Lightning and Thunder

Today I left the house in the fog. It was heavy and made things hard to breath. I was a sweaty mess by the time I reached work.

The fog cleared and the sun came out with a vengance. It was still muggy. My normal walk over lunch was not comfortable.

The clouds came in and caused wonderful lightning and thunder. There was no rain while I walked home.

Within 10 minutes of getting home rain pelted down.

My spouse and I stood on the porch and watched the rain and counted the spaces between the lightning and thunder.

I have been so stressed out this year that I needed the little bit of peace that this rain brought.

I have not created any new things this week. I have been photographing my art so I can add better pictures to my catalog and MAYBE put some original items up on Etsy (if I can ever get it going.)

Today is going to be a slow day for me, a recovery day.

One more week and I will be self employeed.

Two weeks before my first event as a vendor, Oddmall Tacoma.

Closer and Closer

Every day I get closer to living my dream, well, trying to.
I am so nervous.
Giving up the stability of my current job to pursue something that I want to do… and not knowing if I will be able to support myself.
When I am positive about myself, I believe I can sell everything.  When I am not having a great day, I do not think anyone will buy anything and I will fail.  When I am more balanced, I am pretty sure I will at least break even at my first event, Oddmall Tacoma.  Well I hope I break even (obviously, I have a pretty negative world view today.)
RedStringofFateMy latest painting kind of leans to my thinkings.
You may think that you can control your fate. Pulling on the string binds your senses and then you really cannot do much.  Follow the sting and you may find what you were meant for.
Well, something like that.
On Instagram I put “you can take your fate into your hands, but it will still bind you.”
Speaking about the art.
I really like that I used complimentary colors. Red for the background, some gold and purple to add depth.  I did the skeleton in green.
I hope to see you at OddMall in Tacoma, Wa (I am in booth 37.)
If you cannot make it check out my store!

 

How I Spend my “Time Off”

I have been spending a lot of time feeling frustrated.  Doubly so on my “days off” of work.  Like most people in “developed” countries, I work for a living, trading forty hours of my one hundred sixty eight weekly hours for money.

168 – 40(work) = 128 hours “free”

128 – 10(travel for work) = 118 hours “free”

118 – 56(sleep) = 62 hours “free”

62-5(work prep) = 57 hours “free”

57-20(art) = 37 hours “free”

37 – 6(chores) = 31 hours “free”

31 hours that are not budgeted.  RIIIIGHT.

Honestly, chores take more time than I would like.  They take about 12 hours a week.  Of course, being that I am the primary income creator I would expect that I would have 1 or 2 hours of chores at the most.  In an ideal world.

So I am down to 25 “free” hours.  These are scattered through the week, 1 or 2 hours during the week and the rest on the weekend.

What do I do with my “free” time?

I spend it cleaning, painting or trying to escape from my reality.

My spouse is unmotivated.  I feel that I have tried pretty much everything to get him to participate in the house hold going ons.  I have tried to get him involved in doing anything productive.  I have failed.

I have spent a lot of my free 25 hours a week thinking about this.  How to “fix” this.

My thinking has turned from “fix” to “detach.”  How can I remove myself from this?

Is it my responsibility to take care of everything?  Spend my “free” time worrying about my spouse?  Spend my “free” time cleaning up after my spouse?  I work hard to enjoy my 25 hours of free time.

Today I spent 5 hours cleaning.  Another hour recovering from an allergy attack caused by the cleaning.  I have surfed the web, worked on two paintings, listened to music.  I woke up a bit early so I had some “extra” time today.

There are a lot of things that I am NOT doing. My spouse left a mess on the sofa.  I am not cleaning it.  My spouse has also neglected several of his other chores.  I am not doing them either.  Much of my spouses stuff that was in the living room has been moved to our “guest room.”  I am not moving it further.

I take pride in what the atmosphere of my home is… or I used to. There is a certain respect you can pay a visitor by having a clean, comfortable and safe looking home.  I no longer have one of those homes.  The place has turned into a storage house for my spouses things.  I feel like one of those things sometimes.

Maybe not a thing.  More like Cinderella.  Bring home money so we can keep the house, clean the house, make more money.  You are not doing enough.  Pay for my scheme.  Buy me a new gear.  Pay for this, buy that.

I have nothing left to give except resentment.  I have that in heaps.  Black, sticky, sickly, poisonous resentment.

UniverseInside_thumb

Guilt is anger directed at ourselves – at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others – at what they did or did not do. ~Peter McWilliams

Uncertainty

The past week has been rough.

I am so burnt out from my job that I am putting in my notice.  I have been doing the job for ten years.  It has grown beyond what one person can handle. I have asked for help every month for the last year and none has been forth coming.

FitThe stress is taking its toll on me. I eat when I am frustrated so I keep putting on weight and wasting money on junk food.  There is no escape from the food.  It is in the cafeteria, gift shop, snack bars (there are two,) and the pharmacy.  There are also three convenience stores across the street.

I am so frustrated that I cannot get the motivation to exercise.  I do not even really want to work on art, read, or socialize.  I just want to hide away in my room and stare at the ceiling.  Then all the negative and bad thoughts come.  So really, a lose, lose situation.

There are things that I am concerned about.  Like having enough money to support the house hold, paying bills and what not.  I am concerned that I will not be able to sell any art to help financially.  I am concerned that I will not be able to create more art, once I do not have the stress and frustration of the daily grind.

I worry that I will just fail and bring the household down with me.

I just cannot do it any more.  Working at a fast food joint slinging burgers or taking orders is more appealing then going into work tomorrow.  If I had fewer morals, I might have just walked off the job several years ago.

I have morals and I am pretty stubborn.  I do have my limits and they have been reached.

Sad and true.

The image is a painting I did trying to express how I feel about my current situation.  It is call “Fit.”  It is grey-scale acrylic on canvas.  My spouse says that he worries when I paint or draw “weird” things.  I told him to worry more when I stop.  That means I am to far gone.