I Wish

There are a lot of things I can say I wish for on a regular basis.

The big one right now is…

I wish I had not developed asthma. When I have an attack I am unmotivated, listless, confused, and lethargic. It takes me a while to realize that I am having an attack, because I am easily confused and listless.  When I realize I am not “normal” it has been a few weeks. 

Ot seems to be happening mostly in the spring, when therw are more allergens.  I end up increasing both my asthma and allergy medication doses for a week or so. It does not make me happy to do so.

I have been trying to get ready for a smallish art show in May, my first. Having this delay is not awesome. How am I supposed to have cool stuff if I cannot focus on making things?

It jas taken about a month, but I finally finished this. 

Enjoy!

Not Sure

The past week has been rough.

I am so burnt out from my job that I am putting in my notice.  I have been doing the job for ten years.  It has grown beyond what one person can handle. I have asked for help every month for the last year and none has been forth coming.

The stress is taking its toll on me. I eat when I am frustrated so I keep putting on weight and wasting money on junk food.  There is not escape from the food.  It is in the cafeteria, gift shop, snack bars (there are two,) and the pharmacy.  There are also three convenience stores across the street.

I am so frustrated that I cannot get the motivation to exercise.  I do not even really want to work on art, read, or socialize.  I just want to hide away in my room and stare at the ceiling.  Then all the negative and bad thoughts come.  So really, a lose, lose situation.

There are things that I am concerned about.  Like having enough money to support the house hold, paying bills and what not.  I am concerned that I will not be able to sell any art to help financially.  I am concerned that I will not be able to create more art, once I do not have the stress and frustration of the daily grind.

I worry that I will just fail and bring the household down with me.

I just cannot do it any more.  Working at a fast food joint slinging burgers or taking orders is more appealing then going into work tomorrow.  If I had fewer morals, I might have just walked off the job several years ago.

I have morals and I am pretty stubborn.  I do have my limits and they have been reached.

Sad and true.

Fit

My spouse worries about me when I paint or draw “weird” things.  I told him to worry more when I am not painting these things.  It means I am to far gone.  This is called “Fit.”  It is black and white acrylic on canvas.

 

The Great Chicken Resurfaces

I have been busy creating art and not posting much on my progress.

One of the reasons is that I have failed to follow through on a few things.  Mostly failed myself.  Self sabotage kind of things.

At the rate I am going one would think that I am not interested in moving into being a “professional” artist, or doing art full time.  One could think that I am really just messing around and not serious at all. There are days where I think that, so I can understand that others might.

Then I get mad at myself for letting me down. I have spent a lot of time building up a selection of art that I like and others have expressed an interest in.  Why can I not seem to take the next step?

Set up a website and sell things or even upload things to Etsy or SomETHinG.  ANyThING!!  Just DO IT!  Get on your butt in front of the computer and do what needs to be done.  Click that darn button. Throw the Freaking switch.

… and I don’t.

I come up with so many excuses. “not enough product,” “not enough money,” “I have to put this time towards the house,” “I need to finish this,”  and “I can do it after I do ______.”

I call BS on myself.

None of those reasons are valid.  I have plenty of items.  I will have enough to fund this on my next payday (for the 10th time,) it will not take time away from my other chores,  I have nothing that NEEDS to be finished before I start this, and I will always have something that I think is more important.

Do I NEED a “Thank You card?” not if a quick sketch or scribble will work.  I can develop one later, or after my first sale.  Do I NEED to have stock on hand?  No, there is a print shop down the street that will get what I need done in less than 24 hours on average.  Do I NEED to take photos of my paintings… Well, yes to that one. I do need to do that, but NOT before I open a store.  Again I have plenty of other things to offer.

The negative self talk is there.  You suck.  No one wants your art.  No one sees it.  You cannot connect to anyone with this drivel.  Why not just stop now, you are not going to succeed.  You do not even know what you want to gain from this.

AAARRRGHHHH

It needs to shut up!

I just want to get this done.  Click the darn button.  Throw the switch.  Take the leap.  Even if I am not 100% ready.  I should just do it.

Should… darn that word.

We will see what happens this next pay day.  Will I do it?

Not sure.  It is really scary, and I am really a chicken.  lily-livered and everything other term you can conjure up.

2016-04-12-20-46-15

Ink wash on paper.  I think I will call it “Inside.”  I did this back in April.  I was having a really rough time and felt that there was nothing but chaos in me.  That chaos was casting shadows out into the happy parts of my life.  I kind of feel that way again.

 

 

Leap

I find it hard to keep up with my blog AND create art.  I kind of think that the blog is a passive activity and creating art is the active activity. I talk about art and doing art in the blog but when I am not typing about art I can create it. So talking about it takes away from the doing.

This is not entirely true though.  The only reason I even started actually creating art is due, in large part, to this blog.  It got me in the frame of mind to actually work on my dream.

It is still hard to keep up with the blog.

Things are going well, overall.  I am creating art, about two creations a month.  Quite prolific for someone who is only doing it when I am not at work or tired from work.  I would like to do more, but I just do not have the energy or focus at the moment.

I have a double sided whiteboard on wheels that I have filled with “to create” items.  I am slowly working on it.  I have three things in active progress, at the moment.  I am keeping busy and on track.  I do get sidetracked, like this posts creation.

This drawing/painting is really cool.  No matter orientation it is viewed, it still works!  I am super excited. I never expected it to work out so well. ^_^  It was done with Higgins Black Magic Ink and lots of water.  I draw the lines out and then fill in the shading or colors with a tiny brush.  I really like the effect.

I will be posting some color ones in a few months, when I get the series done.

 

PugetSoundSailboat

Over Doing it

There are times when I am so busy that I over do it.

Not really physically.  Mentally and emotionally.

Things HAVE to be done; Get up, go to work, deal with people. The house has to be cleaned, people are coming over, tomorrow.  Spend several hours cleaning. Go to work, deal with people.  Get home, deal with people. Work on art.  It makes you happy right? Latte’s, sugar, tea… sleep? Chores, more painting and drawing.  Errands… Music to save your sanity  and keep you from punching that idiot.

There are days (like the day I wrote this) where I just need to go and hide in a dimly lit hole.  Hide and recuperate my energy, my tolerances, and relocate my motivation.

When I am this rundown I tend to get depressed or angry (I would rather be depressed.  It is easier to hide then to walk around trying to restrain myself.)  When depressed I have trouble focusing on the good things, happy things.

The good becomes so hard to find that it is not worth looking for it. It is almost not worth trying to keep making things because you think everything is bad. All you see are the mistakes and errors.  Not the overall picture and how it is viewed.

You start doubting your skills.  All the mistakes, errors.  I suck.  I am a failure.  I am an amature.  No amount of practice makes me better.

You get sucked into a spiral of “why bother doing..?”  It is  all mistakes, it sucks, no one likes it.

This process leads to a lack of inspiration, and then a lack of art.  Then a shell of a person, only going about things because they have to be done for the survival of the body.

Hopefully one can see it coming and mitigate the situation before it becomes  a full blown episode of stagnation and misery.  Months and years of your life can be lost in the “pit of despair.”

There are lots of away to recover.  I walk to recover.  I find a park, put on some music and walk.  Miles and miles.  I pretend that I am nothing.  No one knows me.  I have no skills, no personality, no needs, wants, desires, nothing.  I am unknown and invisible.  I walk.

Matt Simons – Catch and Release is one of my favorite songs to walk to.  It puts things into perspective.

And I am out of words on this topic for now.

Night!

PugetSound_CentenialParkView

Inspiration is all around.  One just has to see.

20160208_201158

Painting inspired by the above scene I saw while out for a walk.

 

 

 

humpbackanglerfish

Following the Road

I am making PROGRESS!

Once I set my sights on where I want to go, I started taking steps to make it happen.  Well, I planned out some steps, mini goals, and I am finally seeing results.

Last year I spent most of my time creating.  Mostly drawing, some painting, and learning.  Reading about being an Artist as a business, watching other artists and making friends (well trying to.)

This year I am proud to say that I have been able to get things out to the world.

It is not as easy as people would think.  You do not just make stuff and mass produce it.

You have to plan things, ask and answer questions.

Do I want to do limited runs?  How many?  How much space do I have, how many can I store?

What kind of paper?  Sizes?  Postcards, stickers?

What should I charge?  Etsy, Shopify, WordPress store, something else?  Art fairs?

Aaaahhhhh!

So many questions!

But I will not be derailed.  I will stay on my path and get to where I am going.

I am still undecided on several things, well almost everything.  But I will figure it out.

Right now I am going to celebrate getting my first print done and off to its new home.

Yay Me!

prints_crop

The little one on top is the original.  The large one right under is 13×18 inches.  I scanned them at 3200 dpi.  I can go bigger!  I am so excited.

OrangeJoy

Celebrate!

I like to celebrate my birthday.  It is something that is important to me.

I do not do it because I want the attention or things.  I do it because I like that I am alive.  I like to celebrate my birthday to honor all of the things I am, do and will do.  I celebrate to honor my past and future.  All those that I have  met and will  meet.  All the things I will have experienced or will experience.

On my birthday I get to celebrate ALL of the things that make me me.  Most other holidays you only get to celebrate a part of you.  I get to celebrate the macabre side of me on Halloween, the spouse side of me on my anniversary, the family side of me during most other holidays.  My birthday is the day where I can be all of me, not just a tiny part.

A lot of people get hung up on the number or year that they are celebrating.  In my mind that is not worth celebrating.  Getting stuck on the number is only going to get depressing.  There are not many ages worth celebrating. 16, 18, 21… Great, you can drive, vote and drink.  People dread 30, like it is the end of the world.  More dread 40, like it makes you old or something.

I think you should be proud that you have been around to circle the sun 30, 40, 50, 60, on and on times.  Each rotation adds knowledge, skills and experiances.  Things you can pass onto others,  or horde for yourself (if you want.)

Celebrate being you for another year.  You have chances to accomplish things.  You can take care of anything that you will regret later.  You get to have experiances.

You are ALIVE!

joy2_crop

Joy.  Ink wash Painting, by me!  I HATE Orange.  I do not even like to eat oranges.  I thought I would try something different, since I went out of my way to buy some orange  ink.  UGH  This is NOT my favorite thing.   I would like it more if it was in  different colors.