I go so busy creating art that I forgot about the Motivation Monday blog post!
Usually I do a quick bit of art then type up the blog post. Not yesterday. I spent hours on it. There were lots of little details and fiddly bits. Then I colored it in… which takes me forever with colored pencil.
Yesterday’s quote comes from Robert Green Ingersoll. Wikipedia says he was a lawyer, orator (talker,) teacher, and even a military vet from the civil war. His father was very religious, which made an impact on his views later in life. He was referred to as “the great agnostic.” I like this guy more with ever sentence I read about him! He sounds like a well rounded guy that loved to think and understand things. A great person to get a motivational quote from.
“A great man is a torch in the darkness, a beacon in superstition’s night, an inspiration and a prophesy.” Robert Green Ingersoll.
I had a hard time picking a quote. I wanted to honor September 11th in some way. That did not work out for me. Everything I saw was overly religious or very hateful to various groups of people. There were some funny sarcastic ones, but sarcasm is often lost in text. There was not a lot about the courage to rebuild or how people join together. That made me sad.
I settled on Mr. Ingersoll’s quote because it was a good medium between where I wanted to go and what was available.
You cannot always tell who is great when they are walking down the street. We all look pretty much the same when en-mass. Lots of people just trying to get from point a to point b efficiently and in a similar condition as we were when we started (unmolested physically, mentally, and spiritually.) I made my ‘great’ people a different color so the art would reflect the quote more.
What makes a ‘great’ person anyway? Are they more generous than most others? Are they better at a specific thing? Or maybe they are “good” at a bunch of little things? Is greatness a personality trait or a way of life? Can it be taught or is it innate?
There are lots of books out there on how to be a “better” you. Will a better you be great?
What do you think makes a great person? I am interested in knowing.
The thief walked into the room cautiously. There are always traps in places like this. The party always sent him in first to make sure it is safe. Like a good thief is expendable. Of course a good thief would never fall prey to a trap unless it was exceptional.
Scanning the walls, looking for clues in the flicker of the torch he carried. He craned his head to check for odd cracks or spaces that were abnormal. Then he checked the floor. He did not see anything to cause him to suspect a trap in the walls, floor, or ceiling of the room. He beckoned the party to enter but cautioned them not to touch anything else.
He turned his attention to the empty sconces on the walls. They were a good place to hide a trigger. Inexperienced treasure hunters assumed they would open secret doors. More often than not they triggered traps that would lead to an early retirement… of sorts. The sconces were safe.
Next was the decrepit table and chair in one of the corners. It is suspicious that they were still together. Every other piece of furniture they had encountered was in ruin. These looked like they might still burn.
He could see the joints were reenforced with bits of metal and nails. The back legs of the chair were bolted to the floor with hinges and the table just looked out-of-place in relation to the chair.
He brought his findings to the party who were standing just inside the door of the room. The idea is to tie a good solid rope to the chair and rig a set of pulleys. They would be safely in the hall when they pulled the rope and triggered the trap.
The thief did all the set up. Gingerly tying the rope to the chair. Then running it through some block pulleys he had tied to the sconces. Clever, he thought to himself. I am clever.
He ran the rope through a hole they made in the door, to help prevent any accidentally damage from arrows or other physically damaging traps. The door would also give them time before any gases might reach them.
Closing the door carefully, the thief pulled the rope tight…
The thief tried again with more strength. Still nothing.
He passed the rope to the warrior, the strongest of the group. The rope was pulled tight.
So tight the thief thought the rope would break.
Then the rope jerked and the warrior stumbled backwards a half step.
A groan was heard from behind the door.
It had worked!
Seconds passed and stretched into minutes. No thuds, hisses, or other common trap sounds were heard. Nothing near them had changed either.
The thief looked at the party. They all nod their heads.
Cautiously the thief opened the door. Then stepped into the room. The room was the same. The chair was titled back with the front legs slightly off the ground. The table was still slightly off. The walls and sconces were intact and in the same positions.
What had they triggered?
He quickly turned around and walked back to the door and the party just beyond.
As he reached for the door something felt off. Instead of jerking it open he pulled the rope back through the hole and looked outside.
A thin green mist had settled in the hall and his companions were slumped on the floor, Overcome by the poisonous gas.
A good thief would never fall prey to a trap unless it was exceptional. This was exceptional and his party had paid the price.
How was he going to get out and back to town?
I am in a deep pit of fear right now.
There are a lot of things that are uncertain, causing fear.
There are a lot of things that will change, causing fear.
The fear has left me unable keep on top of what needs to be done. I am frozen.
I have been working hard to keep myself together. Be strong and happy. The worry eats away at me daily. I know it does my spouse as well.
I have tried getting the assistance that we all pay into. However, we have no children and are not disabled. We do not qualify for most programs. The best we get is food stamps. Of course, something is better than nothing right now.
I am lost at what else I can do. I have filled out so many forms, and they all get rejected or denied. I have applied for so many jobs I do not even remember most of them. I did have one call me back, but told me the position was quite a ways out of my travel zone.
I have slowly, so slowly, been selling my services. A few people have purchased my art. I have also done a few portrait commissions. I try to keep creating through all the uncertainty.
I have had a few companies contact me about my art, that makes me happy. Then I find out they want me to pay to be in their magazine or event. I understand their need to ensure they make money on their product. I do not understand why the fees are so high for most of them. You are going to be selling the product and generating income off that. Paying for the “exposure,” the doom of artists.
Otherwise most of the interst is not of the paying variety. I am happy that people like my art, but it does not help me much if it does not leave my possession. $10 is not a lot of money to a lot of people. $10 is something to me.
I feel like a deer in a meadow. Everything looks great and safe, yet there are predators on one side of the woods and a company cutting down the trees on the other.
Where am I supposed to go?
What am I supposed to do?
For now I will just keep applying for jobs.
Keep sharing my art for sale. Keep creating art.
Keep applying for assistance.
Keep looking for others who might help out.
Do my best not to be bitter.
Work on keep a positive outlook.
I have another blog I write, for my art. I usually post things on both sites as the art stuff is a big part of my life. Not today. Today it is just for my WordPress followers.
I am in a great deal of pain tonight. My back injury is creating a lot of pain. I pushed myself this week and worked 6 days straight. I could not find my back brace on Saturday, so I went without. I also did not do my stretches on Saturday. Big mistake on both things.
I woke up a bit sore, but nothing that was impacting my day. My allergies were more of a bother. I could not get my nose to stop running, even after several doses of my nasal spray.
As the day wore on, my back got worse and worse. Now I can’t sleep due to the pain. Even sitting and writing this hurts. Standing hurts, laying hurts, and changing position hurts. I could not do several of my stretches today. Those that I could do were accompanied by agonized deep breathing, whimpers, and many “Fuck”‘s.
I have a constant stream of swearing going on in my head.
Add to this the financial issues that are going on with my household at the moment. Not a great time to be me.
I feel cursed. That I am being punished for trying to do the one thing I have always really wanted to do. I feel alone, unloved, and left out.
I do not feel that I have anyone to help me through the pain. I do not feel that anyone will help get the finances back on track. I do not feel that anyone cares about my endeavors or problems.
I am a bundle of negative feelings and thoughts.
I am jealous of the people who can sell their art. “Oh look at this I just did… blah blah blah.” Five minutes later they edit to the post to say it was sold.
My art is better. I do not understand why their stuff sells and I can’t sell anything.
Is there something wrong with me?
A curse that prevents me from being able to live my dream?
I am angry because I can not seem to make things work out. Everything is against me. I got asked to do the RAW Seattle event. Something positive! …But wait! You have to sell tickets to pay for the booth costs. Well Fuck Me. I can’t sell shit to a dung beetle.
Why even bother trying? Because I am a fucking optimist. That is why. I will get my hopes up and fail. Fuck me. I am a stupid idiot.
I am angry with myself. I fucked up. I gave up a job that paid well, with good benefits. I quit when the house was already financially tight. I should have just sucked it up and kept going.
Thinking that makes me so sad. I am crying.
Doesn’t my welfare matter?
Why do I have to sacrifice my mental and physical well-being to support others.
Why can’t I come first for a fucking change?
Everything I try just gets fucked up. Yet I keep fucking trying. I keep inflicting this shit upon myself.
I am just fucked up.
I do not know what to do to fix anything either. Running does no good. The shit just follows. I ask questions and I get vague answers. I do what I understand. It is hard though, not many people to ask questions of. I do not even know the fucking question.
What the fuck am I doing?
Not going to kill myself. That might be a worry to some of you.
I would never do that. Not because of religion on some other shit. I actually enjoy living. I enjoy creating art and seeing the world. I wish I could live forever and see the end of times. That would be amazing. Just to see everything and have the opportunity to share it with others.
No, I will just live my fucking cursed fucked up life. I will live it alone, unloved and unwanted.
I suck at sales
I am sure I have said this many times, and will continue to say it. I am pretty terrible at sales.
I could not sell water to a dehydrated billionaire in the desert. Even if it was their “brand” at their “price.” I just suck at it.
Being scouted for the RAW Seattle event serves to remind me at how bad I am at it.
It is frustrating.
I do not know what I do/say or don’t do/say that make it hard for people to buy things from me, but it is there. Like some sort of intangible field around me.
Since I have constantly had failures at selling a variety of things, news paper to knives, even art, I have a healthy dislike for selling things.
They say you should start with your friends and family. Practice on them…
All I really know is that I feel like I am harassing my friends and family. “Support Me!” “Buy my stuff!” “Pay attention to me.” “Give me money.”
I feel like I should just do a “GoFundMe” and beg strangers for money. Though, with my track rate it would not get past a pity donation. But it would be passive sales and I would not have to keep pushing people, who I genuinely like, for the sale.
Today I “hit up” about 90% of my Facebook contacts to buy tickets to the RAW Seattle art show. I am not going to say how few that is. This whole selling thing makes me embarrassed at how small the number of contacts I have. (Quality over quantity – right?)
I got a few friends that responded right away. I love those friends. They made it so easy and even though I feel bad about “hitting them up” they made me feel a teeny bit less bad. (Just got my first sale! She gets an extra print of her choice! Yippie!) It still feels wrong to bother people for these kinds of things.
You should notice what kind of words I use… it is important. “hit up,” bother, beg, push. That is how I think about sales. It is pretty negative and aggressive. I do not like to be that way.
I would rather ask if you would do something than try and sell you on the idea of it. Sneak it in during a conversation, vs just walking up and saying “Wanna buy some tickets?” I find it hard to initiate conversation with others that I do not know reasonably well.
Funny side note. Imagine two introverts hanging out at a coffee shop. Both not sure on what to say to initiate a conversation. Been there, it was awkward. Thankfully we moved past that and are good friends now, only slightly awkward conversations over chai.
In the end I did it. I am pushing myself to sell these tickets to the show. Because it is important to me. You can do amazing things when properly motivated.
PS. Check out the link to support me buy buying a ticket for the RAW Seattle FIXATE show. http://www.rawartists.org/artbycarissac