Lightning and Thunder

Today I left the house in the fog. It was heavy and made things hard to breath. I was a sweaty mess by the time I reached work.

The fog cleared and the sun came out with a vengance. It was still muggy. My normal walk over lunch was not comfortable.

The clouds came in and caused wonderful lightning and thunder. There was no rain while I walked home.

Within 10 minutes of getting home rain pelted down.

My spouse and I stood on the porch and watched the rain and counted the spaces between the lightning and thunder.

I have been so stressed out this year that I needed the little bit of peace that this rain brought.

I have not created any new things this week. I have been photographing my art so I can add better pictures to my catalog and MAYBE put some original items up on Etsy (if I can ever get it going.)

Today is going to be a slow day for me, a recovery day.

One more week and I will be self employeed.

Two weeks before my first event as a vendor, Oddmall Tacoma.

Closer and Closer

Every day I get closer to living my dream, well, trying to.
I am so nervous.
Giving up the stability of my current job to pursue something that I want to do… and not knowing if I will be able to support myself.
When I am positive about myself, I believe I can sell everything.  When I am not having a great day, I do not think anyone will buy anything and I will fail.  When I am more balanced, I am pretty sure I will at least break even at my first event, Oddmall Tacoma.  Well I hope I break even (obviously, I have a pretty negative world view today.)
RedStringofFateMy latest painting kind of leans to my thinkings.
You may think that you can control your fate. Pulling on the string binds your senses and then you really cannot do much.  Follow the sting and you may find what you were meant for.
Well, something like that.
On Instagram I put “you can take your fate into your hands, but it will still bind you.”
Speaking about the art.
I really like that I used complimentary colors. Red for the background, some gold and purple to add depth.  I did the skeleton in green.
I hope to see you at OddMall in Tacoma, Wa (I am in booth 37.)
If you cannot make it check out my store!

 

How I Spend my “Time Off”

I have been spending a lot of time feeling frustrated.  Doubly so on my “days off” of work.  Like most people in “developed” countries, I work for a living, trading forty hours of my one hundred sixty eight weekly hours for money.

168 – 40(work) = 128 hours “free”

128 – 10(travel for work) = 118 hours “free”

118 – 56(sleep) = 62 hours “free”

62-5(work prep) = 57 hours “free”

57-20(art) = 37 hours “free”

37 – 6(chores) = 31 hours “free”

31 hours that are not budgeted.  RIIIIGHT.

Honestly, chores take more time than I would like.  They take about 12 hours a week.  Of course, being that I am the primary income creator I would expect that I would have 1 or 2 hours of chores at the most.  In an ideal world.

So I am down to 25 “free” hours.  These are scattered through the week, 1 or 2 hours during the week and the rest on the weekend.

What do I do with my “free” time?

I spend it cleaning, painting or trying to escape from my reality.

My spouse is unmotivated.  I feel that I have tried pretty much everything to get him to participate in the house hold going ons.  I have tried to get him involved in doing anything productive.  I have failed.

I have spent a lot of my free 25 hours a week thinking about this.  How to “fix” this.

My thinking has turned from “fix” to “detach.”  How can I remove myself from this?

Is it my responsibility to take care of everything?  Spend my “free” time worrying about my spouse?  Spend my “free” time cleaning up after my spouse?  I work hard to enjoy my 25 hours of free time.

Today I spent 5 hours cleaning.  Another hour recovering from an allergy attack caused by the cleaning.  I have surfed the web, worked on two paintings, listened to music.  I woke up a bit early so I had some “extra” time today.

There are a lot of things that I am NOT doing. My spouse left a mess on the sofa.  I am not cleaning it.  My spouse has also neglected several of his other chores.  I am not doing them either.  Much of my spouses stuff that was in the living room has been moved to our “guest room.”  I am not moving it further.

I take pride in what the atmosphere of my home is… or I used to. There is a certain respect you can pay a visitor by having a clean, comfortable and safe looking home.  I no longer have one of those homes.  The place has turned into a storage house for my spouses things.  I feel like one of those things sometimes.

Maybe not a thing.  More like Cinderella.  Bring home money so we can keep the house, clean the house, make more money.  You are not doing enough.  Pay for my scheme.  Buy me a new gear.  Pay for this, buy that.

I have nothing left to give except resentment.  I have that in heaps.  Black, sticky, sickly, poisonous resentment.

UniverseInside_thumb

Guilt is anger directed at ourselves – at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others – at what they did or did not do. ~Peter McWilliams

Uncertainty

The past week has been rough.

I am so burnt out from my job that I am putting in my notice.  I have been doing the job for ten years.  It has grown beyond what one person can handle. I have asked for help every month for the last year and none has been forth coming.

FitThe stress is taking its toll on me. I eat when I am frustrated so I keep putting on weight and wasting money on junk food.  There is no escape from the food.  It is in the cafeteria, gift shop, snack bars (there are two,) and the pharmacy.  There are also three convenience stores across the street.

I am so frustrated that I cannot get the motivation to exercise.  I do not even really want to work on art, read, or socialize.  I just want to hide away in my room and stare at the ceiling.  Then all the negative and bad thoughts come.  So really, a lose, lose situation.

There are things that I am concerned about.  Like having enough money to support the house hold, paying bills and what not.  I am concerned that I will not be able to sell any art to help financially.  I am concerned that I will not be able to create more art, once I do not have the stress and frustration of the daily grind.

I worry that I will just fail and bring the household down with me.

I just cannot do it any more.  Working at a fast food joint slinging burgers or taking orders is more appealing then going into work tomorrow.  If I had fewer morals, I might have just walked off the job several years ago.

I have morals and I am pretty stubborn.  I do have my limits and they have been reached.

Sad and true.

The image is a painting I did trying to express how I feel about my current situation.  It is call “Fit.”  It is grey-scale acrylic on canvas.  My spouse says that he worries when I paint or draw “weird” things.  I told him to worry more when I stop.  That means I am to far gone.

 

Good Vibes?

After a very long day I could use some good vibes.  Good vibes are in short supply at the moment.
Today was a day that I just could not seem to accomplish anything meaningful.  It felt the everything was against me.  IT reduced the size of my inbox, it is so small that an hour’s worth of work fills the box.  I archived, deleted and moved things to try to accommodate.  After calling the “help desk” (please add a lot of sarcasm to the word help…)  the issues seemed to be remedied… for about 15 minutes.  I quote Genie “Phenomenal cosmic powers, ity bity living space.”  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfTfXLLJlzM
This was not the most frustrating thing that I had to deal with today.
I am getting to much input for the areas that I have no control over.  Much of it is nothing I can do any thing about.  I have no control over who says what my job is or how it impacts a co-workers job.  I do not have control over what anyone chooses to do with the information I provide them.  Venting is all well and good, but do not take your anger and frustrations out on me regarding decisions made above my head. Do not treat me like I am the one that caused the overall problem.
I can barely deal with my own stuff, let alone yours.  Chill the fuck out.
Everyday I feel more and more overwhelmed with … Everything.  All the things at work.  All the things with my future plans, all the things that did or did not happen in the day.  I feel full of everything and nothing.  I cannot “see” what I need to see.  The paths are obstructed by all the crap that is getting thrown around and thrust upon me.
Everyday I wonder if I can last to the next day.
I am trying to live one day at a time, and floundering.
Will I get up and go to work tomorrow?  Yes, because I am that kind of person.  I will hate it, but I will do it and do the best I can do.
I try to find solace in my alone moments.  The quite of the trees, the smell of the rain, the feel of the wind, the beauty of the sun lighting up the garden of the world.  Walking is important.
I got to talk a bit about my goals with a co-worker… friend.  She is definitely a friend.  It helped and it did not.  It was great to hear that other people have faith in me, and hope I succeed.  I also felt more pressure because I had to think about work things AND personal goals.  Not very “one thing at a time.”  I think almost any other day the conversation would have been beneficial, but with so much on my plate it was over whelming.  Not that I realized it until the conversation was over and I was well on my way on my errand.
So far I have been surprised by the amount of support I have gotten.  Lots of best wishes, prayers, good lucks, and interest in what I plan on doing.  The good vibes are battling the negative thoughts.  This has been causing me to be distracted and moody.
I bounce between “what the fuck am I doing” to “I can do this” and back and forth, to and fro.
I was so exhausted when I got home I tried to read.  I made it about two chapters into a new book and quit.  To much.  I was hungry, but did not want to make anything.  I was contemplating going to bed, but I would have had to get up to feed and water the cats (scheduled feeding time, they are not normal cats in this way.)  I made myself put on “peopling” close and go to the store.  I bought a microwave dinner and a bunch of junk food.  Ate dinner, a handful of chips, chocolate and two cookies.  Not feeling much anything today.  Oreo’s usually make me happy.
I was not even going to do a blog post, but I felt that I ought to keep up with my scheduled posts.  See, that kind of person.
That is about all that I have tonight.  You will have the pleasure of more mental meanderings.  The mood strikes on a regular basis.

 

In the Bag

FarewellThumbnailNot really a bag, but it is still finished.  After the past two weeks of having low motivation it is invigorating to finish something.
This one is call Farewell.  I like having metallic finishes on my pieces.
I have an idea for one more in this style.  Then I have an idea for a change in style.  I am excited.  I have been doing this style for about year and it is about time to progress, change things up.
I tried to get things as naturally placed as possible.  I wanted to reflect how things might actually grow.