Motivational Monday 10

It is hard to be positive and motivational when you are in pain. Constant pain is personality altering. I have been in pain for the past two days. A constant stream of swear words are running through my head. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude and keep up with my art work.

A lot of negative things come into my head when I am in pain. My optimism starts failing and I think of all the bad things that can happen. All the things that I am bad at, failed at, and will never get to do… because I am a failure.

I know I have a pretty good life. I do not worry to much about the basic necessities of life. I have what I need to get by. Yet I feel that I am a failure and will never get anywhere. Doomed to live in anonymous pain.

With out to much more of my negativity here is the positive part of my Monday post.

LeapingLion_thumb“Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.” Og Mandino.

I think this is my second quote for Og Mandino. He has some fun and interesting quotes that are easy to visualize and draw.

To do this one I looked up animals that could represent success or strength. I liked the leaping lion. We all can agree that they are strong and successful. Failure was harder. It is different to everyone. I started to think of the Nothing from the Neverending Story. Fear of failure can eat away at any success you have made and turn it into nothing.

Have a great week!

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..In Which I swear A LOT

I have another blog I write, for my art.  I usually post things on both sites as the art stuff is a big part of my life.  Not today.  Today it is just for my WordPress followers.

I am in a great deal of pain tonight.  My back injury is creating a lot of pain.  I pushed myself this week and worked 6 days straight.  I could not find my back brace on Saturday, so I went without.  I also did not do my stretches on Saturday.  Big mistake on both things.

I woke up a bit sore, but nothing that was impacting my day.  My allergies were more of a bother.  I could not get my nose to stop running, even after several doses of my nasal spray.

As the day wore on, my back got worse and worse.  Now I can’t sleep due to the pain.  Even sitting and writing this hurts.  Standing hurts, laying hurts, and changing position hurts.  I could not do several of my stretches today.  Those that I could do were accompanied by agonized deep breathing, whimpers, and many “Fuck”‘s.

I have a constant stream of swearing going on in my head.

Add to this the financial issues that are going on with my household at the moment.  Not a great time to be me.

I feel cursed.  That I am being punished for trying to do the one thing I have always really wanted to do.  I feel alone, unloved, and left out.

I do not feel that I have anyone to help me through the pain.  I do not feel that anyone will help get the finances back on track.  I do not feel that anyone cares about my endeavors or problems.

I am a bundle of negative feelings and thoughts.

I am jealous of the people who can sell their art.  “Oh look at this I just did… blah blah blah.” Five minutes later they edit to the post to say it was sold.

Fuck them.

My art is better.  I do not understand why their stuff sells and I can’t sell anything.

Is there something wrong with me?

A curse that prevents me from being able to live my dream?

 

I am angry because I can not seem to make things work out.  Everything is against me.  I got asked to do the RAW Seattle event.  Something positive!  …But wait!  You have to sell tickets to pay for the booth costs.  Well Fuck Me.  I can’t sell shit to a dung beetle.

Why even bother trying?  Because I am a fucking optimist.  That is why.  I will get my hopes up and fail.  Fuck me.  I am a stupid idiot.

I am angry with myself.  I fucked up.  I gave up a job that paid well, with good benefits.  I quit when the house was already financially tight.  I should have just sucked it up and kept going.

Thinking that makes me so sad.  I am crying.

Doesn’t my welfare matter?

Why do I have to sacrifice my mental and physical well-being to support others.

Why can’t I come first for a fucking change?

Everything I try just gets fucked up.  Yet I keep fucking trying.  I keep inflicting this shit upon myself.

I am just fucked up.

I do not know what to do to fix anything either.  Running does no good.  The shit just follows.  I ask questions and I get vague answers.  I do what I understand.  It is hard though, not many people to ask questions of.  I do not even know the fucking question.

What the fuck am I doing?

Not going to kill myself.  That might be a worry to some of you.

I would never do that.  Not because of religion on some other shit.  I actually enjoy living.  I enjoy creating art and seeing the world.  I wish I could live forever and see the end of times.  That would be amazing.  Just to see everything and have the opportunity to share it with others.

No, I will just live my fucking cursed fucked up life.  I will live it alone, unloved and unwanted.

Fuck.

Person_in_a_box

Not Sure

The past week has been rough.

I am so burnt out from my job that I am putting in my notice.  I have been doing the job for ten years.  It has grown beyond what one person can handle. I have asked for help every month for the last year and none has been forth coming.

The stress is taking its toll on me. I eat when I am frustrated so I keep putting on weight and wasting money on junk food.  There is not escape from the food.  It is in the cafeteria, gift shop, snack bars (there are two,) and the pharmacy.  There are also three convenience stores across the street.

I am so frustrated that I cannot get the motivation to exercise.  I do not even really want to work on art, read, or socialize.  I just want to hide away in my room and stare at the ceiling.  Then all the negative and bad thoughts come.  So really, a lose, lose situation.

There are things that I am concerned about.  Like having enough money to support the house hold, paying bills and what not.  I am concerned that I will not be able to sell any art to help financially.  I am concerned that I will not be able to create more art, once I do not have the stress and frustration of the daily grind.

I worry that I will just fail and bring the household down with me.

I just cannot do it any more.  Working at a fast food joint slinging burgers or taking orders is more appealing then going into work tomorrow.  If I had fewer morals, I might have just walked off the job several years ago.

I have morals and I am pretty stubborn.  I do have my limits and they have been reached.

Sad and true.

Fit

My spouse worries about me when I paint or draw “weird” things.  I told him to worry more when I am not painting these things.  It means I am to far gone.  This is called “Fit.”  It is black and white acrylic on canvas.

 

Negativity Monster

The Negativity Monster strikes again. Out of the blue, during my bed time routine.
“You can’t  do it.”the Monster says.
“You messed it up already. It is never going to be as good the second time around .”
“You don’t know how to do that. Learning will take to long.”
“Why do you even bother trying?”

No matter how much anyone likes my work, it is never enough to shut up the Monster.  It nibbles at my good mood. Eroding any joy I had about finished works. Blocking any good intentions I had for starting something new.

I hate you Monster.
Just leave me alone. I want to do things. I want to have fun and joy, without you lording over me.
Bug off.

You always make me spiral into despair. Nothing gets done and my visions and dreams go un-created. Some even die before they have a chance to be examined.
I want to see things, Monster. Not  have my sight blocked by you because you say that I ‘can not’ do it.
That lamppost is interesting, even  if I have looked at it 100 times. This time is is interesting.

Stop talking  to me about my failures.
I have many succeses. You may see them as small and unworthy. They are still sucesses.

Stop pointing out all the things I have not done.  Stop telling me that I will never do them. Stop saying that I am stuck where I am and I will NEVER move on or up.
I will do things at my pace. I will choose what I will and will not do. I am not stuck. I can move on and up.

Monster, leave me in peace

Moving into a New Year

MerryChristmasSeattleBannerMerry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

I hope that it is Merry and Bright for everyone.  If it is not looking like it will be for you, I hope that something stands out as good.  Focus on that and you will make it.

ChangeRoadSignWhen I graduated from University I was not prepared for the career I paid (lots) to learn about.  That is my fault for choosing the wrong school, wrong course and not questioning things as much as I should have. That left this year as a quest to get over my fear of change and failure.  Fear of not being “good enough” to graduate (some how I did,) not being able to get a job (still at my old one,) and not being able to do what I want to do (Web Designer!)  This year I failed to do a lot of things that would have made it easier to do what I wanted to do.  I got the wrong internship, I did not keep up with my studies, and I did not ask questions or look hard at what was going on.  Only when I got frustrated and angry did I start making changes.

I am not saying that this year was a waste or all bad.  I had tons of great things happen.  I DID graduate from a reputable University.  I DID get an internship.  I DID create some websites (no matter how basic.)  I DID quite my internship when I realized that it was not going where I needed it to.  My spouse and I made the move to home ownership (that was stressful.)  I have a new internship lined up and I have plans on making next year good.  All in all the good outweighs the bad since I learned things that enabled me to move on.

One of the tools I used to get over my fears is Planning. I find that making a rough outline helps keep me on track and keeps the fear of change at bay.  Whenever I HAVE to do anything (that I don’t want to do or am afraid to do) I plan.  I actually plan the fun out of it and cover pretty much every contingency (I have no idea why I did not go into project management.)  Plans allow for the greatest amount of light to shine on something that you are afraid of.  Especially if it is something new.

My rough plan for 2014 is pretty basic right now.  Do some follow up education so I can understand Web Design and Development better.  There are many things that make no sense to me and in order to get a job I feel that I should understand them and be able to work with them. As I learn more I want to rebuild my website (down for financial purposes – darn house) and the others I have built, practice, practice.  I also want to start building demo sites and templates for some of the various content managers out there.  I think if I can learn enough about those I can secure a decent internship (paying?) or start charging for my services (freelance.)  This means reducing the number of hours I spend on graphic design.  While it is fun I need to spend that time coding and expanding my Web Designer skills.

I have other personal plans too.  I plan on spending more time off my butt and walking around.  Exercise is important and I can use the time to plan out other things.  I can also increase my collection of photos so I have things to use when I need to make a graphic for a site.  I plan on encouraging my spouse to blog and finish his degree.  I plan on seeing a doctor on a regular basis (that is really scary in my mind.) I also plan on taking a vacation this year.  I has been a while and I am feeling the need to take a break.  That means saving up some green and paid time off.  I should probably spend some time with my friends too.

OtherSideOfFearFear is natural.  I think almost everyone is afraid of new things.  Things that they cannot fathom or understand.  I find planning helps reduce the fear.  Fear will never go away until you deal with its cause, but you can lessen it to the point where you can deal with it.  All it takes is some planning and research.  I need to research my medical plan and learn about finding a provider and paying the bills.  I need to learn how to use my insurance and so many other things.  I am worried that I will put it off again this year (it was a goal for 2012.)  I know that if I do research and ask questions I can over come this and help other co-workers figure it out. Once I figure it out I know the fear of it will be gone and I can spend that energy fearing something new.  The process repeats.

Have a great holiday season! 

Do what you need to do, even if it is scary.  The fear will go away once you do it.

 

 

Constraints

If any have taken (or take) a Project Management course you will be introduced to a new way to think about some of the simplest activities.  Your morning routine turns into a daily project with tasks that have lead times, schedules, order, resources and constraints.  Wait, a constraint in your morning routine? How is that possible?Constraint

Well a constraint is anything that limits or restricts your project (in this case a morning routine.)  The bathroom may only hold one person (size constraint), so task sharing is out of the question.  There may be only a little tooth paste or shampoo left (quantity constraint) and you choose to make it last one more day, until payday (money constraint.)  There are tons of things that can restrict the simplest activities.

Most of these things you can plan for.  You know when you are getting low on tooth paste and when you are getting paid next.  You know that the bathroom holds one, or that the hot water disappears when the other bathroom is in use.  You adjust your schedule and activities to account for these things.  Get up earlier, stop by the store on the way to work, plan for revenge…

What happens when you don’t foresee a constraint?  Or maybe you chose not to plan for something that you did foresee.  Well, you break promises and fall behind, basically messing up your day, and possibly the day of a few others.

This month I had a plan to create a WordPress template and have it up and functional by September 1st.  Well, I failed.  Here is why;

  1. I did not anticipate how hot my office was going to get this summer. It got so hot that the computer would shut down!  I don’t know about you, but I cannot work when it is that hot in an enclosed space.  I would get an hour of work in and everything would get weird.  I was dehydrated and the computer overheating.  This does not make for a good day.   Anyway that took me from 12-20 hours a week to  7 -10 hours (late nights mostly.)  That right there is enough to derail any project.
  2. I did not anticipate how hard it was going to be for me to learn and understand the WordPress system, as a developer.  WP is easy enough as a user, it is VERY different on the developer side.  I counted on my past as a quick study to move this project along.  Well I did not do so well on that respect.  Maybe the heat and short study times were part of the problem.  Either way, I did not succeed.  I spent a lot of time researching the smallest things and doing tests that would fail, because of the smallest things.
  3. I did not account for other projects.  Even though I budgeted a lot of time for this project (well over 30 days.)  I did not take into account the other projects that I ended up doing.  I did a lot of other stuff during this time.  2-3 days were devoted to events, and many hours to graphics for each event.  I was happy to be out of the office most of the time, since it was so hot, but that still took away from the project time.

There were other things that caused problems.  I had personal things (updating my site, creating business cards, blogging, family time etc) that I needed to do.  Events that I had scheduled months in advance (RenFaire, Family visiting, house hunting, and PAX(is so close!!)) took precedents over the project at hand.  And I LET IT!

That is the big thing.  I let other things become more important than my WP project.  Now I am paying for it.  I have to tell the team that I do not have the product I was sure would be ready next week.  Now I have to beg for another month to get the product done (the basic product,) and more time to get the improved version done.

It sucks.  It really sucks, that we (everyone does it a some point) let things distract us from what needs to be done.  Things like this is why people with great ideas get no where.  We let ourselves be distracted by the small things. 

Well it is time to get back in gear.  I have already broken down my project into small manageable tasks, and those into sub-tasks.  I have set up a schedule that includes all of the expected (and some improbable) constraints.  I am going to finish my project.Done!

I invite everyone to join me.  Get a project DONE in September.