Communication is hard.  Meaningful communication is even harder.
The only reason I have a FaceBook, Instagram and a blog is to try and have some kind of meaningful communication with a few people in the world.  Not that the people are 100% “real” but it is real communication. A part of me reaches a part of another person and they were compelled to react.
For some reason those connections do not matter as much as face-to-face ones.  Probably because they are “virtual,” not 100% real.
goldengatebridgeThe “real” connections, the Face-to-face ones are harder to make.  I pretty sure some of it is me, but a lot is probably the person.  Their preconceptions, hangups, and other baggage.
Understanding this does not make it any better.  Knowing stuff does not make it easier to make these connections.  Knowing stuff does not make it hurt less when things fall through.  It makes it worse.  It SHOULD have worked out.  All the planning was right.  WHY did it fail?
I do not know.  The failure and not knowing makes me doubt my processes, my knowledge, emotions, skills and in the end my being.  A slippery slope argument, to be sure, but one that goes on in my mind anyway.
I do not understand why people are not able to (or don’t) step outside of themselves for a few minutes to see things from a different view point.
I do not see why people cannot (or don’t) look at the connections they make and see what how their actions (or inaction) effects those connections.
Must we all just walk along the obvious path, never looking to see if there are others?  There are always others, “there is always a choice.”  Can people just not see them?
So blind to other options, we just plod forward, never suspecting.  Doors locked before they even had a chance to open.
I want to connect to people.  I want to see the world as they see it, understand it as they understand it.
I suppose this is an “artist” or maybe an “intelligent” person problem.  Wanting to see/understand everything and yet getting nothing.
Does that even make sense?  Abstract things are so hard to put into words.  Yet writing them gives them less life that saying them… not that I would.  I choose the wrong words and the sentiment would get lost.


Today was the kind of day that made me realize that most of the things that make a day difficult is self induced.  I do it to myself.


Flying on wings unfettered, metaphorically speaking.

Today was the kind of day that made me want to throw off all my chains and be free, spread my wings and just fly away.  I am not sure if or when it will happen, but the thought is there.

Thankfully I have outlets that let me “be free.”  I can draw my thoughts, desires, feelings and dreams.  I can make my feelings into an image and share the feeling with others.

Images have this really neat ability to transcend language and race barriers.

I share my longing for freedom from my self imposed chains with everyone.




Yesterday I realized that last week was pretty negative.  I did get some funny stuff out of it, but it was still negative.

This week we are going to try a be a bit more positive… maybe.

I drew a bunch of stuff over the weekend.  If I get really busy I will use them for posts.  My goal is still to try to do a drawing everyday, even if it does not get posted.


“As long as you are moving it is easier to steer. ~unk”
Friends are always willing to give you a push to help you get moving so you can make a course change.

Tonight’s drawing I started on yesterday.  It looks WAAAY better once it was inked than it did in pencil.  The children were horrible and fat, no eyes and shapeless.  They are still not perfect, but I am going to just accept that I may never be a good drawer of people.

This is a tribute to some friends that are having a rough time of it lately.

I just want them to know that they have friends who care about them and we will totally push their soap box car until they are able to move under their own power.

Sorry it is so small.  It will not get bigger without rotating 😦


What Matters

Yesterday I read about another shooting of police.  I read about racists and murders condoning more murders and in the same breath say that it is their duty to fight for equality.

I do not understand how this can make sense to anyone.  How can you reach equality through murder?


All life matters. Together is the only way we can grow and succeed.

Last night I went to bed thinking “What can I do?”

I did some research to try and understand everyone’s point of view.  I read news, blogs, tweets, rants and raves.  I still do not understand.

A life is a life.

As a society we only seem to value the life of a person who contributes to society OR one that is willing to pay for the right to be heard (more common now-a-days is seems.)

Everyday billions of people get up, go to their various jobs and return home to take care of their families.  All we want to do is do what must be done to survive.  In most cases this does not include killing people (war excluded.)

Our jobs should not make us targets.  The color of our skin, religion (or lack of,) gender, sexual orientation or creed (nation of birth) should NOT make us a target of another’s prejudice.

I realize that the different races did some horrible things to some other races.  Heck, race A – tribe A did horrible things to race A – tribe B.  What happened to our ancestors trickles down into today.  We should be able to learn and over come these horrors in our history.

We will not be able to master fates, or the fate of the planet we call Earth, until we are able to value all life.

I thought long about what I could do.

It came to me creating a small icon.  I hope that others will share it (maybe improve upon it.)


Fitting In: An Artist’s View

Fitting in is something that most of us struggle with.

I am not a “spring chicken” and I struggle to find a place for myself, daily.  When I was in my teens, I always hoped that I would find a group that I “belonged” to.  It did not really happen as a teen and it still has not happened, all these years later.

We all work hard to fit into some group, so we will not be lonely or we will be able to grow and communicate.  We alter bits of our personalities to fit in with various groups.  We become reserved to fit in at work, we exert ourselves to be social a group we desire to be a part of.  We give up parts of ourselves, hide parts, or create parts to fit in.  All in hopes that we will not be lonely and have friends.  Even when blogging, parts are hidden.

hidden-emotionsAll we really want is to be wanted for being ourselves.

For an artist it is our mission to share ourselves with as many as we can via our medium.  We use our art to find those who can see us and can like us for who we are.  Through our art we bare part of our being and are truly ourselves.

It can be a lonely existence, walking around as a shell of a being, only showing our light when another looks at a canvas, photograph or our words.  Our passions hidden, only to be seen, felt or heard at random, when a passer by glances up or the radio plays a tune.  We look at everyone wondering if they can see how empty we are.  Wondering if they would see our light once they experienced our art.

We may deny that we are lonely.  We can say we “create art for ourselves.”  We can hide our art from others and ourselves, making ourselves fit in with the group we admire.  It does not work.  We die slowly inside when we do these things.  Our light becomes dimmer every time we lie to ourselves.

I have always wanted to belong to some group.  A group that will appreciate me for who I am.  I have wanted this since I could understand the need.  It has only gotten worse as I have gotten older.  A part of me wonders if I will ever achieve my goal or will I always be outcast, doomed to hide bits of myself.

Then I wonder if I would create any more art if I did fit in somewhere.  Would I still have the need to put bits of myself into my work?  Perhaps my work would take on a new meaning.  To celebrate my light instead of trying to get others to notice it…

You never know until it happens.

Things That We Are

While attending PAX I had a chance to become more familiar with the “gaming media scandal” that has been going on over the past few weeks.  After listening to the PAX attendees and Enforcers I realized that I was really angry about the whole thing.  One of my “labels” is gamer.  That is not going to change because media says so.

We are all a conglomeration of labels.  We all choose the labels that we put to the front.  I am a wife, artist, painter, reader, gamer, nerd, woman, military….  The list goes ones.  You can see I listed wife and artist first.  Those are what I focus on.  Gamer and nerd are in there, but not at the front.  They are a part of me, but not all of me.  They impact how  I see the world and how I interact with it, but they are not the largest or most influential parts.

As a general rule I do my best to avoid media.  The news is all skewed to fit into someones agenda.  I am not interested in that agenda.  I just want to know what is happening.  When something interesting happens, I research it.  I go to four or five sources to ensure that I have a good view of what is happening.  A smart way to research.  I like to research. 

Not everyone is like me, or has time or will power to do that much research.  Media should be clear and unbiased.  Giving all the information so the reviewer can make up their mind.  That is not what is happening.  Media has chosen what we are going to think, see and understand.  We will all believe that cops are bad, gamers are losers, and the only way to solve problems is to give it money.

I am angry that the gamer media has chosen to be just like the rest of the media.  Sneaky, snide and bias.  The bit that makes me really angry is how they reacted when they were caught.  They denounced their readers, the whole reason they even get business.  Gamers are being labeled as evil, bad, stupid and worse.

Gamers are many things, oblivious to social pressures is a good one.  Gamers do not always see gender, race, creed, nationality, sexual orientation or any of the other labels that we put on ourselves.  Gamers are passionate.  If you have ever been to a gaming event or spoken to a gamer about their game, it is easy to see.  We love our games and can speak about them all day.  We will debate strategies, preferences and all the minutia that make us enjoy the game.  Gamers want to share the love of the game.  New to the game?  They will teach you.  Had a bad experience?  They will listen and try to repair the wrong.  The game not your thing?  They will recommend other games that might be better suited for you.

Gamers are lovers, not fighters.


Cutting the Dead Wood

Today is just like any other day.  I got up, wishing to go back to bed.  Finished my morning routine (mourning the loss of my freedom routine) and went to work.  I have not felt optimistic about work in a long time, very long time.  I went to the gym after work, came home ate, read for a bit and went for a walk.

A book inspired me to ask myself a question.  What is your dream?

follow-your-dreams When I was a child I envisioned myself as an artist.  Drawing everything under the sun and making worlds with my pencils and crayons.  People would travel far and wide to see my work.  I did not conceive of making money of my works, just sharing a new world with everyone.

Now my dream is to make stuff.  I dream of making art in a variety of forms. I want to make useful things, pretty things, things so ugly they are cute.  I want to paint images so big that you lose yourself in them, you see the tree within the forest, the light when blinded by the sun.  That is my dream.


The desire for fame and fortune can enslave us all. Sir Meliagrance Kneeling before the Queen by Helen Jacobs.

Today I decided that I will stop LOOKING for a job.  I will stop minimizing myself to one page, Arial, 11pt.  I will stop defining myself in keywords and buzz words.  I will no longer prostrate myself before big businesses that cannot see and employee as a person, an investment instead of an expense.

I will make things.  I will suffer my day job, to pay for materials for my dream.  I will paint the tree in the forest, the light that shines from the sun.  I will knit a scarf, a hat, a blanket.  I will build a website, bird house or cat tree.  I will stop wasting my time one an endeavor that is not going anywhere.  I will use my energies on  making things.

I will make them because I want to and because I can.  I will make things for friends and family.  I will make things because they sound interesting or fun.  I want to share the bit of my ‘soul’ that went into making the thing.

If someone wants something I have made, they can have it.  If they want to pay for it, so be it.  But it was not the reason the thing was made. It was made so I could share the world.

No more dead wood blocking my path.  I am going to work on my little dream.



We measure ourselves off the successes and failures of others. We forget that we are not on the same path and our successes are meaningless to someone else, just as their failures are meaningless to us. I will start following the path that works for me and I will enjoy the journey.