After a very long day I could use some good vibes. Good vibes are in short supply at the moment.
Today was a day that I just could not seem to accomplish anything meaningful. It felt the everything was against me. IT reduced the size of my inbox, it is so small that an hour’s worth of work fills the box. I archived, deleted and moved things to try to accommodate. After calling the “help desk” (please add a lot of sarcasm to the word help…) the issues seemed to be remedied… for about 15 minutes. I quote Genie “Phenomenal cosmic powers, ity bity living space.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfTfXLLJlzM
This was not the most frustrating thing that I had to deal with today.
I am getting to much input for the areas that I have no control over. Much of it is nothing I can do any thing about. I have no control over who says what my job is or how it impacts a co-workers job. I do not have control over what anyone chooses to do with the information I provide them. Venting is all well and good, but do not take your anger and frustrations out on me regarding decisions made above my head. Do not treat me like I am the one that caused the overall problem.
I can barely deal with my own stuff, let alone yours. Chill the fuck out.
Everyday I feel more and more overwhelmed with … Everything. All the things at work. All the things with my future plans, all the things that did or did not happen in the day. I feel full of everything and nothing. I cannot “see” what I need to see. The paths are obstructed by all the crap that is getting thrown around and thrust upon me.
Everyday I wonder if I can last to the next day.
I am trying to live one day at a time, and floundering.
Will I get up and go to work tomorrow? Yes, because I am that kind of person. I will hate it, but I will do it and do the best I can do.
I try to find solace in my alone moments. The quite of the trees, the smell of the rain, the feel of the wind, the beauty of the sun lighting up the garden of the world. Walking is important.
I got to talk a bit about my goals with a co-worker… friend. She is definitely a friend. It helped and it did not. It was great to hear that other people have faith in me, and hope I succeed. I also felt more pressure because I had to think about work things AND personal goals. Not very “one thing at a time.” I think almost any other day the conversation would have been beneficial, but with so much on my plate it was over whelming. Not that I realized it until the conversation was over and I was well on my way on my errand.
So far I have been surprised by the amount of support I have gotten. Lots of best wishes, prayers, good lucks, and interest in what I plan on doing. The good vibes are battling the negative thoughts. This has been causing me to be distracted and moody.
I bounce between “what the fuck am I doing” to “I can do this” and back and forth, to and fro.
I was so exhausted when I got home I tried to read. I made it about two chapters into a new book and quit. To much. I was hungry, but did not want to make anything. I was contemplating going to bed, but I would have had to get up to feed and water the cats (scheduled feeding time, they are not normal cats in this way.) I made myself put on “peopling” close and go to the store. I bought a microwave dinner and a bunch of junk food. Ate dinner, a handful of chips, chocolate and two cookies. Not feeling much anything today. Oreo’s usually make me happy.
I was not even going to do a blog post, but I felt that I ought to keep up with my scheduled posts. See, that kind of person.
That is about all that I have tonight. You will have the pleasure of more mental meanderings. The mood strikes on a regular basis.