I get fulfillment from supporting you. I also require support, I am only a human, like you.
Just because I am not engaging in active battle does not mean that I will never have wounds. Experience should have taught you, not all wounds are visible. Most of mine will be invisible to the eye. Things you cannot understand because they are foreign to your experiences.
I feel privileged to be the one you chose, yet I often feel inadequate. Your light is so much brighter than mine. I often feel less visible. I feel inadequate emotionally and even intellectually. I am not adequate to be your support if I cannot answer to your needs or my needs impact you.
You capture people with your stories. You shine so brightly that others have no choice but to be drawn towards you. They want to be a part of your story, they NEED to be a part of your story. I am privileged because you chose me to be with you. You chose me to see things in you that no others will ever see. I am probably one of a few not blinded by your light, one of the few that does not want it.
There are times you expect me to be like the others. You seem so disappointed when I am not entrapped or fawning over your. I might try to be one of the crowd, but it will not be genuine. Then we are both hurt. You because it is obvious that I am faking interest, and me because of the backlash the fakery causes.
You will not always see my needs. Even if you did, most of the time you cannot understand what will fulfill the need. You will not have the experience. You and I will not always be able to fulfill the needs. I will do anything to avoid bringing attention to your inadequacies and I will find someone to help me. Even if I have to pay for it.
People overlook me. Even if I am in need. They see only your bright light. Finding people who see the smaller and different light of mine is challenging. Often they are deceivers or fanatics, wanting to get closer to your light. My time of need turns to defending your back. You will never see it, and I am left hollow and my needs have not been met.
You ask me for advice. I do not think you know what you are asking… or not asking. I have not and will not experience what you have gone through. Yet, I should know what you should do?
Given time, I can find your answers, I can have all my needs filled and I can protect all of the secrets. I do not always have the time. You are a warrior. You move quickly from one adventure to the next. Seemingly oblivious to those around you. Making me rush to find the answers you seek. Wrong or right. Making me decide who’s need is greater, yours or mine.
I feel inadequate being.
Being the home you need. Being the lone support for “everyone.” Being asked to accept things without hesitation. Being “the one;” that know, that feels, that sees, that listens. Being the rock.
I will do it.
It is what I am. I cannot do or be anything else.
I might be a diamond in my own right, but even diamonds can be shattered with enough pressure. Be warned.